Ep 20: Finding Motivation After Loss

Curtis, for our new listeners, man, you are a real griever. You suddenly lost your wife, Michael, two short years ago. She was beautiful, vibrant, and healthy. It's five kids that are in this equation. And I know that you and these five kids are broken in pieces, man. But the thing about this episode is that you're living proof that there's a path forward in finding motivation in your grief. And so I'm excited to unpack the lessons you've learned in finding motivation in your grief. And listen, for any of you who are listening to this brand new, please, please do do check out our first episode that is inspired this entire podcast, Run to the Heart, the Michael Christopher story. I will link it. I'll put it on the screen in YouTube and I'll link it in the audio. So, man, you ready? I'm ready. Let's do it, man. Let's do it. So, Curtis, my first question to you is at what point did you realize that you needed to forge ahead and find motivation in your grief? Well, let's just do a quick recap. I know we've talked about some of this stuff in the past, but I mean, I laid in bed for 20 plus hours a day for the first three months. I just did. I was a wreck. I know some people, maybe that's not their story, but it's my story. I couldn't get out of bed. to run an errand or I would try to answer a text or try to make a phone call, but other than, you know, seriously, getting something to eat, using the restroom, back to bed. I mean, I did that day in, day out, until, you know, until people started getting worried. I mean, to be honest with you. Something had to say, I've got to get on my feet because there's people who are depending on me. And I think it's a huge motivation when there's people depending on you. I never forget my wife on her deathbed. The night before she died, I remember her saying I can't wait to go to heaven and I was literally saying I want to go with you I don't want to stay here can I go with you and she's like you can't my wife is looking at me saying you can't there's too many people who need you like my wife even said it like no it's my time to go but no you can't go yet there's people my kids are depending on you and it took probably three months. And man, I remember having to call my doctor and saying, I need help. I remember telling her to give me a prescription to physical therapy, which is kind of weird. Like I'm not, I don't have a broken arm or broken leg or surgery. I just, I couldn't get out of my truck. And going in and you know kind of sheepishly telling you know the people at physical therapy what my issue was and then finding out right away that the girl that was helping me just lost her dad. Like what? And she's helping me just to start moving again and then you know several months after that you know Ella just telling me please go to my chiropractor you know these are this was mom's friend you know they love you they want to help you and going in there and allowing somebody to start working on me And you know breaking up arthritis and getting my body to move again like it was it was definitely a process But but I'm telling you the Lord had to give me an inner strength To do something that I didn't want to do I Didn't and to this day. You know I'm two years out and I'm still not physically as well as I was two years ago. I'm two years out and I have to get up every morning and get on that stupid treadmill. I have to try to do so many pushups in the morning. I try to do a couple planks. If those who don't know, I've had three back surgeries. You know, it's bad enough to not be in great physical shape but then to have three back surgeries, that just hurts. It's just something I deal with on a regular So I can't lift a lot of weights, but I got this stupid dumbbells 25 pounds I do my curls I do my you know, I just whatever I can do But here I am two years out and I'm still trying to gain strength to get back to some kind of normal So folks, I'm not I'm not gonna pretend that this is easy I'm not gonna tell you like oh if you just do X Y & Z you're gonna get back to perfect health. No grief wrecks you It it wrecks you emotionally it wrecks you physically. It's just I had a friend tell me even yesterday and I said there's something broke in me. I said I know They said I can't explain it, but you just feel it every day like you just feel broke and I just feel broke. And I know listeners who have experienced grief, they know exactly what I'm talking about. But motivation, motivation for me is these kids that I promised to take care of. Motivation is a mom who I have promised to take care of her. Motivation is my growing children. I want to have grandchildren someday. I mean, you have to find motivation to keep going. So being in bed for three months, spending 20 hours in bed, not being able to physically get yourself out of the truck, I mean, fair to say you were dang near paralyzed by grief. And when you were paralyzed by grief, help me with someone who's like, Curtis, like, okay, yeah, you have motivation, you've found motivation, but, you know, I lost my spouse after 30 years, and the kids are all grown up, and I'm living off of Social Security, I'm retired. What would you say to that person? I know it's not your exact situation, but I mean, you've heard a lot of stories, I know that much. Oh man, we both have heard a lot of stories, and heartbreak grief is a real thing. I can tell you of a gentleman that I know that his dad died two weeks after his mom died. He died of a broken heart. There was nothing wrong with him. He didn't have a physical ailment, but he died of a broken heart. I mean, that happens all the time. You hear stories of that. That's a real thing. That's a real thing, and so I get that. My question, I guess I would pose the question back, as a Christian, what does God have left for us to do? Because if I'm in that position, I was in that position. Can I tell you when I'm looking at my wife on her deathbed the night before she passes, it's not a suicidal thought. It's a, I want to go. I don't want to be here anymore. If you're going to go, I want to go. That's a real thought. I had that thought. And so a person that you just described, I get that. And I know somebody. When we tell these stories, because we've been doing this now for several months, my mind can go back to stories we've heard people I know. There's one particular person, empty nester, home alone, husband's passed away and I feel for them wondering like, okay, what is their motivation? And I have to think to myself, man, what would their spouse be wanting them to do if that spouse is in heaven? Like, I need to be bringing more people with me. Like, what does God still have left for me to do? As a Christian, that has to be motivation. Yeah, man. No, that's so good. I think that oftentimes people hear a story like this and they're like, yeah, yeah, but my situation's different. But God has a plan regardless. And I think what I'm pulling from what you just said is if you're still here, God is not done with you. Correct. And so, you know, share with me, I know you mentioned there were a lot of people that were motivating you, but you were in bed for three months, so people were giving you time, right? They were giving you time, and you're not telling anyone, like, hey, super early on, just like, get up, get your butt up. So talk to me about timing of when you knew, like, okay, enough, I've got to get moving. Well, you were part of that equation. Crazy enough. So you know, I'd say those first three months, I finally had to get some medical help. I did. At six months, I had to get some chiropractic help. At a year, I have to really start deciding that I need to start working out. I need to start walking. I started going on hikes with Ella. We would start getting one mile in, two miles in, three miles until we got up to about five miles and then you know just starting to do a little workout at home and then of course last last Christmas I bought a treadmill I was like I've got a I can't walk when it's nice out and then do nothing when it's not so I got a treadmill and started you know so that's that's not a year that's a year I'm just trying to get my head around a little bit of physical exercise because it does help. It does get the blood flowing, get your brain moving again. But as far as motivation to have a higher purpose, you know, it happened around your kitchen table. I'd gone down to visit you guys. You just, you know, had a miscarriage and I'm sitting there on the table. We and I are talking about, you know, what could God do with these stories and you started talking about podcasting and then your wife started asking me all these questions about Michael and our story and you guys had followed a lot of the posts and things that I had posted that first year about my wife and then your wife was like, you need to do this. I'm like, do what? You guys were like, we need to tell your story. And I didn't want to do it. I was like, I'm just, I don't have any mental capacity. So that first year you asked about timing. I was just trying to get back on my feet Physically there was this physical time period of just trying to be able to function physically, but mentally I was nowhere near You know this ability to do a podcast and share and preach and do whatever we're doing like That is how happened over the second year and it started with you guys pushing me to tell the story in this new way Call the podcast and so you know short story You keep pushing me you keep pushing me. We do our first episode we put it out there, and you're like okay I think it's important for listeners to know that maybe you're the inspiration for a griever. That's good, yeah. Maybe you're the inspiration. Maybe it's you have to get out of your comfort zone and go present an idea or keep after a person or share with them or sit alongside them or go for walks with them because that's my story. I wouldn't have done this by myself. I wouldn't have if it wasn't for you and your wife saying, we need to do this. Yeah, yeah. Man, that's really unique that you say that because I think as someone who is your friend, who loves you and is for you and wants you to heal from this my first thought wouldn't have been like, oh, I need to give him something to do. It was literally just a matter of like, man, God just wrecked you, dude. And there's a purpose. There's a reason behind this. And I recall our first conversation, we were in the car, we were talking, you were talking about a book and I was like, hey, why not a podcast that would allow you to kind of breathe this thing out and then maybe a book later on. And you're like, yeah, I don't know, man. And you, and you all but blew it off first because you were just not in a good headspace. And I remember that in particular. So I think timing does play a role. Let's stay there for a second. Talk to me about your circle of people, somebody who's grieving and maybe alienating everybody and why that's a bad move. Sure. That first year I didn't want to hang out with anybody, but people were persistent. Not like weird or overly persistent, but close friends, pastors, things just kept keeping in touch, kept checking in, little by little, until I could do my first breakfast, until I could sit down for the first time or get invited to dinner. I've got a really good neighbor friend that he and his wife they just kept saying, Ella and Curtis come over for dinner, come over for dinner. And sometimes we just didn't want to. I'll never forget the first time Ella and I left the house. True story. We were weeks of just hiding and I was like, we got to get out of here we didn't want to but it was like we just knew we had to and I'll never forget we went to Red Robin up in Grove City and and we just felt terrible And we sat down and we just started sobbing man Man Remember what booth we were in, but just to experience like people, to experience the environment, like that's how hard it was just to leave the house. And you know, it wasn't fun, but we both knew we needed to do it, like we had to get out. And so that was us motivating ourselves, but then those outside people that just kept checking in. And so that was us motivating ourselves, but then those outside people that just kept checking in. I don't care if you feel rejected. I don't care if you don't know if you're good.

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