[00:00:00] Cortney: you know all I ever wanted when I was younger was to be married. [00:00:04] and You After losing him, it's like, you know, why did you take such a good man from me?[00:00:14] Welcome to the Run to the Hard podcast, where we're here to remind you that God doesn't promise us a life free from suffering, but he always brings healing and restoration on the other end. Our goal is to inspire you to face life's trials with courage and trust in God's plan.[00:00:27] And oh yeah, run to the hard that God allows. [00:00:30] Chris: Courtney Kendrick. These are not the most ideal circumstances for you to share your story on a podcast. but I'm so grateful for you to share your story on the run of the hard podcast today. So thanks for being here.[00:00:45] Cortney: you're welcome[00:00:46] Chris: So Courtney, as we dive into this story, your circumstances of losing your husband are tragic and. We are not so much focused on the details of what happened, but more so what God has done in your story[00:01:04] Cortney: amen[00:01:05] Chris: really what it's like behind the curtain for a griever for people to understand from a perspective of like learning how to handle a griever and then also if God forbid they are in a similar circumstance to you for them to learn from your story.[00:01:25] And the hard that God's allowed. So with that being said, I think the easy way for me to put this is that guys, Don Anderson, Courtney's husband was a victim of. A carjacking that was sudden. It was tragic. No one knew it was going to happen. and so the details of Don's passing are not important as I mentioned, but really just diving into your story, Courtney.[00:01:52] so with that being said, I'll give people an idea of the connection of why you're on the podcast Ohio Christian university, we were both classmates, and Don also attended Ohio Christian. And Curtis Christopher, he was on staff at Ohio Christian. And so we all have this connection. and so that's kind of why you're here, [00:02:13] I wanted to get into your story a little bit. And this story is so tough. And being a friend of yours from college and your relationship, with Curtis, Us being friends and hearing about losing Don when we all went to the same college was such a shock from the outside. can you just take us from the beginning of you were married to Don for seven and a half years and What was life like, during those times and just kind of give me an idea of where you guys were at before tragedy struck.[00:02:54] Cortney: Yeah, definitely. so I will say that our relationship started at OCU and we, it started with The same interests of working out and I had mentioned somebody had said something about thinking that he liked me and I was like I thought he kind of seemed a little cocky, and I was like, no, I'm not really into the cocky people.[00:03:22] I'll never forget, I ended up leaving college because I wasn't sure really what I wanted to do. So I went back home, and about Two years later, I remembered that he had given me a workout plan and it just kind of reminded me about him. And I was like, I'm going to reach out to him just to see if he can give me another one.[00:03:42] And he will tell you that I got more than I bargained for because when I messaged him, we started talking and we realized that we both had so many of the same, dreams, our mission, what we wanted to do in ministry, same interests, we came from the same background and so we had a lot of things in common So we thought, okay, we both just kind of felt like this nudge from the Holy Spirit that like, Hey, I think this is the one. So, I mean, he was very, very quick about, saying, Hey, let's set up a time, like, let's have some coffee. And we worked out on our first date together. And yeah, so anyways, he actually asked my dad for my hand in marriage, I think like six months and to.[00:04:36] Dating, I think. Or five months, maybe. And, actually, no. He, four months, but my dad said no, because it was too soon. And then Don came back like a month later, or two months later, and my dad ended up saying yes, and we got married in October of 2014. And he actually, it started out, he was in ministry, working with the refuge.[00:05:07] Men's ministry and he had overcame so many different things. he, he didn't get his high school diploma, so he, but he ended up getting a GED, he went on to do that. Then he went on to get his bachelor's degree and then later on, he got his master's degree. But, he had a past with drug addiction, Some different things that led him to go into the refuge ministries the men's ministry and when he was there he stayed like on the team, I guess to be a Coordinator, they're called coordinators where they just helped the other guys kind of raise them up And so he did that he stayed there I think for a year served there and then that's when he found out about OCU and so that's when He got his bachelor's degree, That's around the timeframe that him and I started dating after he got his bachelor's degree. So, after he got that, the opportunity, presented itself for him to be a pastor at the refuge. So, he took that job, which actually brought him closer to where I was living at the time.[00:06:25] And so it made it easier for us when we were dating. He was a pastor. In Benton County with the men down there. And so our first year, year and a half of marriage, he was a pastor of these men that were coming out of homelessness, alcoholism, drug addiction, people just going through hard times. And so that made it difficult for the first couple of years of marriage, because You know, we are newly married and he just was on call basically all the time, you know, for things like that.[00:07:05] So we moved back to circle bill. When we moved back to circle bill, he was still the pastor at the refuge at a different branch, the Columbus branch. And then he decided to step away from that and then started working back at OCU again. and while he was at OCU, he also took a job as an associate pastor. And I sang on the praise and worship team there with him. Not with him, but they're at the church. He didn't sing, but he did, pastoring and, and teaching And so we did that for a couple of years. And then we just, that's when he decided it was like, okay, I want to pursue this more and he decided to ended up going.[00:07:52] Ended up going back to school for his master's degree in[00:07:56] In ministry.[00:07:57] Yeah, I can't remember. It's not, it wasn't masters of divinity, but it was some kind of theological. It was, it was in Illinois. So Chicago, Illinois, I can't remember the name of it. Trinity evangelical. ended up finishing that.[00:08:13] And, after that, he was just. Working Our life was always about family. we were always either spending time with my family or his family. we were always working out. something I really took away from him, something that he taught me was he was very good about, getting up in the morning and reading his Bible, always faithfully, like every morning, sometimes even every night.[00:08:44] but I would see him sit there drinking his coffee in the morning, reading his Bible. And sometimes I would even see him crying because the words, you know, God's word was just touching him that much. And it inspired me. to live a more disciplined life. So that's something that I would say about, like, he always lived a very disciplined life, and everything.[00:09:09] And so that inspired me, but yeah, our life was, we were always busy because we were also. Him and I were also very task driven people, both of us were, so it just, we just kinda like fed off each other. . [00:09:22] He was a very intentional, disciplined, passionate person. I think that's the best I can describe him. And, and he was also silly. He was, he was silly. Very down to earth as well. Um, yeah, just, just a great guy.[00:09:45] [00:09:45] Chris: No, that's, that's a super helpful snapshot for everybody just to understand kind of who, who you are. Who Don, who Don was, um, I'll say that one, he was jacked. His arms were as big as my, my legs. Uh, he, he just had the joy of the Lord in him, man. Like I didn't have too many extensive conversations with him, but I will say like that dude had a smile that would just knock you over and he, he was just so, he was such a light man.[00:10:17] I remember Courtney. And hopefully this helps you just kind of understand like what other people's perspectives are when they hear news like this. I remember when I heard that he had passed away and I didn't know any of the details. I turned to my wife and I was like, babe, you don't understand.[00:10:33] Like this guy, this guy is with Jesus. he had the joy of the[00:10:37] Cortney: Yeah.[00:10:39] Chris: was an absolute light.[00:10:41] Cortney: Yes. I definitely agree with that. And I mean, his laugh too, man, his laugh was just such a hearty laugh, just sound like it always came from the very depths of his soul. So, like, just to further explain what you're saying about the joy, because his laughter was contagious. His smile was contagious.[00:11:00] So, yeah, there's no doubt. I know where he is. And that obviously brings a lot of peace.[00:11:09] Chris: Well again, thank you for just explaining all of that Like that's really helpful for those who are coming into this podcast and you're like who is courtney? Who was don? obviously they're wanting to understand this story better The most important takeaway for people is like don's with jesus man like he he is with jesus and he loved the lord and Now, the harsh reality of this, Courtney, is that you're, you're left with the broken pieces of like, God, God, why?[00:11:39] Right? Why? Why take him when we were doing so many things in the ministry? and there were so many good things happening, you know, help me, help me understand, and we're definitely going to backtrack and get into the story a little bit more, but help me understand, you know, just your thought process in losing Dawn after seven and a half years and the questions to God, why[00:12:01] Cortney: yeah, definitely had those questions because I remember when I lost him, it was like, well, I guess just to go back, like, as if I take my take it back to high school when I was in high school, my self esteem was pretty low. Because everybody in school knew me as the Christian girl. I, they knew I didn't really want to hear the cussing.[00:12:31] I didn't want to hear about the things they did over the weekend. Everybody kind of, you know, I had some people that like earmuffs, earmuffs, Courtney, and I'm like, if you're going to speak those words, like, you know, they clearly, they felt bad to speak like that around me. And I wasn't doing anything to.[00:12:51] To make them feel that way it just it must have been just the Holy Spirit You know convicting and so I in high school, I never dated or anything So when I went because there really wasn't anybody worth Worth dating and so when I went to college you know all I ever wanted when I was younger was to be married to be married to have children and to do ministry and You So I felt like at the age when we got married when I was 24, and I think he was, he was 29.[00:13:31] So, both of us were thinking we were so far, like we were late, you're late to getting married. Because everybody from, from college and high school had already been married or maybe even[00:13:43] Chris: ring by spring, right?[00:13:45] Cortney: Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, He was 29. So he was on the verge of feeling like, Oh my goodness, I'm almost 30 and I'm still not married.[00:13:51] And I'm like, I'm about to turn 25 and I'm still not married and just felt so behind. [00:13:57] so I felt like I had waited so long to finally find the one. And like, if you Ask any of my friends and family. They were like, holy cow, they were so good together. They were such a good fit. Clearly it was a Lord. And so, you know, and even also the questions of us being married for seven and a half years and not having children.[00:14:26] And I always wanted children. You know, I had this questions along the way, like, why me? What's wrong? What's wrong? What's wrong? Obviously after losing him, I'm able to look back and see, okay, Lord, I see why. I see why you, you know, it was, you had my best interest in mind the whole time. It was hard during that time to see that, but after losing him, it's like, you know, why did you take such a good man from me?[00:14:58] All I could think of to answer that was actually, I have a scripture. [00:15:05] So, in John 12, 24, it says, Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone, but if it dies, it bears much fruit. And when I read that scripture after losing him, because I was in the habit of reading my Bible every day, Because he did, you know, and I actually, and it was a one year Bible.[00:15:34] That's the other thing that's cool about it. It's just that I felt like God lined it up so perfectly because it was like, right after losing him, I saw that scripture for the day and it was like, wow, okay, Lord, like basically I took it that his death is not going to go to waste, you know, God's going to use it.[00:15:56] And I have seen, I have seen the fruit that this is produced. Like it's, it's hard to. It was hard to see that in the moment, but now that I look back, I'm like, I have a friend that had a little boy. you may know Andrew,and yeah, so he has a little, had a, has a little boy and apparently he, you know, Andrew was praying with him one night and he said, you know, pray for Courtney.[00:16:28] I lost a buddy tonight or something like that. And, and this little boy was like, Oh, is he going to be with Jesus or something like that? And Andrew's like, absolutely. And he's like, do you want to be with Jesus someday? I don't know how the story went, but it basically gave him the opportunity to share Jesus with his son like that.[00:16:48] And his son actually even accepted Jesus into his heart. Very, I think it was like the day after losing Don. Multiple people have come to me with these stories of, well, and then I even have some friends that because of the way Don lived his life, they were like, wow, like, it was a wake up call for them and they're like, I need to get back to church.[00:17:13] I need to need to start reading my Bible and it's inspired a lot of people. so I just feel like that scripture, you know, that's, that's the truth. You know, it's not, no seed is going to fall to the ground and. It's not any seed that falls to the ground is going to produce, you know what I mean? And so, I mean, that, it just, that even goes back to just what Jesus did, you know, given his life for us, you know, how many he's given us the opportunity to be able to one day experience heaven.[00:17:47] Chris: Yeah.[00:17:48] Cortney: yeah,[00:17:50] Chris: That's so good. Courtney. Seriously. Like that's so powerful. just being able to read that scripture and then relate it with losing Don and realizing, okay, Lord, like you, you say good fruit comes from this. And then seeing the evidence of that and knowing that as hard as it is to be on your side, this far removed the timing of it, of seeing people get saved and being like, Lord, was that?[00:18:13] Yes. Was that when you wanted people saved? Like, like, how does that comment land for you, by the way? As a griever, I know people can say some really dumb things. And so if someone comes up to you right after a funeral and says, it was his time. Now that you're this far removed, what does timing mean to you in, in when Don went to be with Jesus?[00:18:34] Cortney: I have a few things to say, I guess. So one thing I want to just tell people with that, when you go to a funeral and you want to be there for people or you have doubts of like, should I go? Will I even make a difference? I just want to encourage people to go, to go, even if you don't know what to say. For me, I mean, so many people said, I can't believe like they're like, you stood there with such grace.[00:19:10] And like, I didn't see that, you know, I was just, I felt like I'm going to honor my husband. You know what I mean? I'm just going to honor my husband. but so many people came through. The line and hugged me and I hugged so many people that day. but some people it's just best. It was actually best for people not to say anything.[00:19:32] It was like, I know that you're here because you care and it's like, it would be best in your and my interest just to hug me. unless you had a word straight from God that you felt he wanted you to share with me. And I did have a few people that came through the line that shared, this one man from my church, actually, he hugged me, and he prayed over me, and I'll never forget that because I felt like God was just empowering me through that, through that hug.[00:20:08] but even like I said, just the people that come through the line and just hug you like that. it means more than you'll ever realize. Then I had another, another person approached me before the funeral even started. I think it was during the viewing hours and hugged me and said, what happened?[00:20:27] And I'm like, you kidding me? I'll never forget that because it was just like, man, you need to think about what you're saying before you say it. But the Lord really helped me with that because I'm just like, okay. They're human. They also don't know what to say. I've been in their shoes before where I'm like, I don't know what to say.[00:20:50] You don't, like, you want to provide comfort so much that you say the wrong thing a lot of times. And, I think I've learned that it's just best to, to not say anything. Because you don't know where they're at. You know, but I think that's, I think that's all I have on that.[00:21:13] Chris: That's there's so much wisdom in what you just said because me and Curtis have these conversations frequently and I tell him I'm like, dude, the people listen to this podcast are either grieving themselves or they want to help a griever and they're willing to give their time to help. To really understand behind the curtain and make the right decisions.[00:21:32] And I think that statement right there, people need to hear like, sometimes it's not what you say, it's just your presence. And we've heard some really ridiculous things and what you're saying right now, I think it's just so simple and so practical and so wise. And so thank you for that wisdom. On this podcast, two people really, Courtney, let me ask you, like, you are clearly so strong in your faith in Jesus.[00:22:00] Don was clearly so faith. [00:22:04] Has your theology of suffering changed? [00:22:06] Cortney: Yeah.[00:22:07] I will say that, I can just speak best from my experience, in my suffering. And everybody grieves differently too, because I can't tell somebody else, like, hey, this is what I did. This is what you should do, because you don't really know how you're going to grieve until you're in it.[00:22:27] I remember after I lost him, I had multiple people texting me, I mean, all the time. texting me or trying to call me and leave me voicemails and Me like my personality. I like to be prompt. I like to get back to people. I like to be Like I just try to live a life of integrity, I guess and that was really hard for me I had to let go of trying to please everybody. I had a friend The day after losing him, she came in and she said, Courtney, I feel like the Lord wants me to tell you to accept any help that you're given or you're offered during this time and Because I'm I like to try to do everything and be everything and try not to ask people for help So during this time for me, it Definitely made me realize how much I need the body of Christ and how much I Also, how much blessed they will be, how much more blessed they will be to be able to, to give and to be there for me as well.[00:23:38] a lot of my, I guess, I don't want to say defenses, but maybe it is like some trust, trust issues and stuff had to come down, in order for people to be able to love me and to take care of me. so I will say like through suffering, I think that we need to learn to be more open to letting people.[00:24:04] because I think what you want to do is kind of seclude yourself or kind of stay, isolate yourself from people. and I will definitely say I had, I had days of that as well, like where people would call me and I didn't realize in the time, but I was still going through dark, dark times because I wouldn't.[00:24:27] Little things like I'd leave the lights off in the house. just kind of sit around and just not want to leave And I thought it was just me being introverted, but people were able to see that difference and You know that grieving And how that was playing out for me, but also In my grieving. I also felt like it was my time To serve the lord.[00:24:51] I know some people may think that it's crazy but like I said, we grieve differently, but I just felt like it was my time to Because I needed to stay busy. That's, that's really what it comes down. For me, It was two months into after losing Don and I realized that I could not be cooped up in my house by myself with my own thoughts.[00:25:13] Too much time to think and not have anything to do. So I ended up getting a part time job. And I believe that the Lord used me there. and then I started getting very active at the church. I started serving in praise and worship more on the dance team and just doing anything and everything that I could do to just serve the Lord.[00:25:36] And because, and I don't know, I don't know if that was right or wrong. I mean, I believe it was definitely good, but I think part of it also caused me to press some of my Emotions and things that I was feeling down to at times. but then it also, when I went to dance practices and stuff, sometimes I would have those days that I just did not want to go to dance.[00:26:01] I did not want to follow through on my commitments because I just wanted to stay at home and cry. Honestly, and I'm thankful that I was committed and I was serving. Because when I went to dance practice, I was around people. I was around godly people that loved me, that wanted to pray with me.[00:26:21] And, you know, you want to run away from people, but God, He has those people there for you to help comfort you. it was amazing the feeling that I would have after leaving dance because I opened myself up and I was real to people. You know, I think a lot of times as Christians we want to put on a smile and act like everything is fine.[00:26:44] And, you know, the truth is People in the church knew that I was hurting but I was still trying to put on this like I'm fine You know God is good. And you know, although I did I did believe that I still had my hard days and When I would come in to dance and they're like, how are you doing? And they could just tell and I opened up and was just honest with them Like that's what that's what the body of Christ is supposed to be like so I I will say that it definitely, through all this suffering, it's made me realize, like, how we need to be vulnerable with one another.[00:27:28] I think it's, it might be in James, where it says, like, tell your, something about confess your sins to one another, or something like that. And, I can't think of where, where it's at in the Bible, but how it'll bring healing. And I can say for a fact that it does. And it's so much better when you just open up and just tell people, yeah, I am struggling and I need help.[00:27:56] for me, I think that was just the biggest thing was just acknowledging that. And actually that that's something that Don always told me. He said something that really, it's always stuck with me. He told me, he said, Courtney, he said, We only have one savior and you are not it. And when he said that to me, I remember I thought, oh, it was like a gut punch, but I needed to hear that because it's like, I can't, we're not meant to try to carry the, you know, carry all the, the worries and anxieties and stuff of other people.[00:28:31] Like we're just supposed to, you know, carry that to him, to the Lord, [00:28:37] Chris: Yeah. there's a couple of directions I want to go with things you're saying here. First off, so rich, so good. The first thing is I want to touch on what you just said, which is what Don said. And it's like, Courtney, there's one savior and you're not it. Talk to me about, because not a lot of women have the luxury of having a man lead with his authority being Christ and it being clear.[00:29:05] Yeah.[00:29:06] Cortney: Mm-hmm[00:29:06] Chris: when you take a guy like Don who walked the walk, did you find yourself ever falling into almost like this? This sounds maybe more than it is, but this savior complex of your identity is supposed to be found in Christ. However, like you're so wrapped up in your spouse [00:29:28] Cortney: Yes, yes, yes. I'm glad you said that, because that, that is something I did want to talk about. Um, because I think that I always wanted to be married so much, and then I finally was, and such a good godly man, I did. I had my, after losing him, the Lord really showed me, like, I think I put him up, I think I put Don higher than I should have.[00:29:59] You know, and, uh, as far as, like, maybe I even, you know how it says, like, do not put any other gods before me. Well, you know, my husband was up there and, you know, I'm not ashamed to say that because I know that the Lord has taught me a lot through that and has shown me that, hey, you know, I am your God and I come first.[00:30:32] Yeah, my identity was so wrapped up in that. I don't know.[00:30:38] I think after losing him It just it made me ask myself like who am I? What has God called me to do? And and kind of putting God back in that place. You know what I mean? Like I'm doing this for God and not like to serve alongside my husband type thing. I don't know.[00:31:02] Chris: No, I mean, thank you for being real and raw and vulnerable about[00:31:07] Cortney: Oh, yeah.[00:31:08] Chris: I think that is something where. Somebody here on earth that we can see, we can feel, we can touch is put on that pedestal as an idol, as you mentioned, uh, that we, we don't realize, and I want to clear something up. I don't think either of our theology would say that God plucked Don from you for that reason.[00:31:31] I don't believe that. Um, not at all, but it is interesting to reflect on, right?[00:31:38] Cortney: Yeah. It's just like, those are the things that I can look back now and how the Bible says that, you know, he used all things, works all things together for the good of those who love him. So it's not that he caused this to happen, but he'll use the things that's happened in our lives to bring about good.[00:32:01] And so, yeah, I believe that. You know through this I have learned a lot of lessons and I've tried to just ask God like okay Oh, what is it that you're trying to teach me through this? You know, what can I learn? So? Mm hmm.[00:32:18] Chris: Talk to me about if you don't mind kind of opening up on, you mentioned like being in a tough spot, being in a dark place and if you could just help our listeners understand the lies that you were fighting. After losing Don in the short term, the things that you still have to push out now, just so people can kind of realize that they're not alone in these spiritual attacks.[00:32:47] Cortney: right Definitely one of the biggest things for me and it's probably just kind of for my story but Don and I spent all of our time together. I mean, maybe to a fault, cause it's also made me realize how valuable my friends are. And I knew that when I got married again, that I wanted to, make time for my friends because I don't think our husbands or wives should be the end all be all because they're only one person.[00:33:27] They can't offer everything to you. So anyways, that the day that I lost him, I finally had decided I was like, I'm going to go do something with my friend and went to Kentucky, to a baby shower that day and on our way back home, I had called him and I couldn't reach him, which is really odd because he always picked up my phone calls or he would text me if he couldn't answer and say, I'll call you right back.[00:33:56] He was really good about that and I just kept calling and I started getting this uneasy feeling and then the next day we found out that he was found dead And so for me one of the lies that I faced was Courtney You shouldn't have taken time for yourself Like you shouldn't have went with your friend Like if you were there or if you were hanging out with him You could have stopped this or you could have Been there to potentially save him but when those thoughts would come into my mind I knew immediately it was Satan because I'm like, no it's not my fault and I knew that it was Satan, trying to pull me back into grief trying to keep me there because if he can Stop you or keep you blocked in your mind he's gonna stop you from doing the things that God's called you to do so those little lies those things that come you have to spend time in the word to recognize the differences in the voices of Satan and God But that's really the only one I can think of mm hmm[00:35:08] Chris: so I was going to ask you, someone's listening to this and they're like, Courtney, I feel these lies. I feel these things, but I have a difficult time discerning. If it's the Holy Spirit or if it's me or culture or Satan himself,[00:35:25] have you figured out a way to discern those voices? And if so, how could you explain that to somebody so they can be helped in that way?[00:35:36] Cortney: I know personally for myself, I know that the voice of the Lord brings peace and it brings comfort and when lies are being fed to you and you feel anxiety or you feel sick, that's a good indicator for me that, you know, which voice are you listening to? Which voice is that that you're hearing?[00:36:06] Chris: Yeah, that's well said.[00:36:08] Cortney: Yeah.[00:36:10] Chris: So the powerful thing about your story with Don. And you alluded to this earlier, Courtney, is Don had a testimony of restoration[00:36:22] Cortney: Mm [00:36:23] Chris: and God showed his restoration from taking a guy who was addicted to drugs and then literally putting him in ministries to help dudes who were addicted to drugs like praise the Lord for that.[00:36:36] Cortney: Yeah.[00:36:37] Chris: There's also a redemption to. Your story when it comes to life after loss. So help the listeners understand how God has proven to be good and what life after loss looks like now.[00:36:55] Cortney: I people to know that god is good that god is still good that No matter the hardships that we face like we're all gonna face hardships But in the end because I've just seen so many people that have been hurt By loss or tragedies have ran away from God and it's like God hasn't done anything he is still good and that's been the message that I've wanted to continue to remind people because I'm like, it's not him.[00:37:27] He hasn't went anywhere, he's faithful he's he's been with me he's sustained me, you know, I mean like he's he's provided for me It's just he hasn't stopped loving me. He's encouraged me. He's been my comfort So yeah, that would be I mean because I mean if you think about I just think about you know in reality You know this earth isn't our home And if we can really really come to grips with the fact that reality It's like the things that we go through on this earth is to help bring other people to heaven with us and so I mean it's, it's been crazy. I've had a lot of people say like after losing Don, they were like, you know, I see you being married and in about two years and not that they were telling me I needed to be married in two years. They were just like, I don't think it's going to take much time.[00:38:40] And. That was hard for me to see because how long it took for me to find. I felt like to take, to find on, you know, I mean, I was 24 when I got married and I thought there's no way there's, but, but I also knew that, you know, God had a plan and that he wasn't done with me. I will say after losing Don though, the lies also came in about being a widow, as soon as, as soon as I lost him, I thought, you know, I heard that voice like, you're a widow and it's like.[00:39:12] What? Like, no, not at the age of 32. I could feel Satan trying to put that identity on me. trying to make me accept that as my identity. And every time I would hear that, I was like, no. Like, yes, I mean, reality, I was a widow, but I'm not going to accept that as who I am. just because I knew that God had more for me, you know.[00:39:35] And, so anyways, my You know, my family and friends, they were like, you know, God has somebody out there for you and you know, when you're ready, nobody ever tried to push me, ever, ever tried to push me, but I could start feeling the Lord. after losing Don, I think, okay, so I lost him in May of 2022 and in October would have been our, that October would have been our eighth year anniversary, and I'm not sure if.[00:40:08] Many people know this, but eight is the number of new beginnings and[00:40:12] Chris: wow. [00:40:12] Cortney: yeah, and seven is the number of completion. So, you know, the Lord spoke these things to me along this whole journey of just like reassuring me, like I've got you. And so when it came to October, you know, I was just asking the Lord for the timing.[00:40:29] When do you want me to take off my ring? Because I did feel like, like these small things, it's like, when do you want me to take off my ring? And I felt like, He reminded me that eight is the number of new beginnings. And so in October on our anniversary, I decided I'm like, okay, Lord, like he empowered me.[00:40:48] I know he empowered me to do that because other people were like, wow, I can't believe, you know, you did that already. Like, I know that's what they were thinking. They didn't say it really, but it was because the Lord had given me a word and I felt confident in that. You know, I took these little steps as I felt like God was leading me to believe and to trust him with faith that he had something, in my future So people in my family were like, you know I don't because my church is big and I was like, how am I gonna find anybody?[00:41:20] It just didn't seem it still didn't seem like there was anybody in my church So when the time was, you know when I started feeling like I wanted to possibly I was always against the dating apps, to be honest. Totally against the dating apps. But my, my dad, actually, my dad is so traditional, so, so, my parents were so strict growing up.[00:41:45] But when my dad told me, he said, Sis, maybe you should try out one of the dating apps. I was like, okay, if my dad's telling me to do this, I'm going to try it out. So I did. And it was a Christian dating app. And I went on one date and I just. After, after meeting with the guy and everything, I just didn't feel like it was time.[00:42:11] I thought maybe, maybe I rushed into a little bit and so I, delete the app and then got it back in like, five months and. Found this guy on there that well, it's not my husband. But anyways, I found him[00:42:29] Chris: can't just leave it there. Come on. [00:42:31] Cortney: Anyway, so I found him on there, but he in his little biography I said something about I used to I used to travel in a band and live a completely different life or something like that and Now God changed my life and now I'm a pastor something like that and it intrigued me because I was like, you know I know what God's called me to and you know, he's already told me kind of so it helped me to see Okay, this guy seems like he's kind of on the same path as I am So I just said hey, you know, tell me a little bit more about your story He did and then I told him about my story and because I wanted to be very upfront like hey You're gonna get a lot of baggage With this and I want you to be aware of like and so for him to hear like, you know Your husband her husband was killed.[00:43:28] I'm sure for him was Also, very very hard because he's like, okay, what kind of people does she hate like she didn't know me You know, we live two and a half hours away from each other. He didn't know me at all and And So we just started talking, back and forth and because of what had happened to Don, I was very, very, guarded, very, like, I had a lot of accountability.[00:43:56] Just because I wanted people to know, hey, I'm talking to this guy and I all the people that are around me. I was like, hey, look, here's what it looks like. And before I ever met with him, we talked on, like, an app, like, where I could like, see his face and he could see my face because you never know with that stuff.[00:44:16] so we talked that way for a little while and then our first time meeting, I met him. He also has two kids. I met him at his daughter's soccer game because I thought, like, first time meeting him and he said he was going to his daughter's soccer game in Columbus.[00:44:33] And I was like, you know, what it's like, I feel like that I, I don't need like a fancy date or anything. I just want to see. You in like a real life situation real life setting and so I did like I met him there and after that his sister and brother in law was there and his nephew and they actually ended up inviting us over for dinner and It was just like it was crazy to me because I instantly felt like that connection with him was like I just felt like the Lord was like this is the one And Cause I just meshed so well with his family already.[00:45:14] It was like, this is just weird. it felt like we had all known each other, for years and I had just met them soon after that we started dating we started dating in April and we got married in September. [00:45:27] Chris: Wow. That's so cool. But, but it's the story of redemption,[00:45:32] Cortney: yes.[00:45:33] Chris: From some of the most awful, tragic things that could happen to a human being, and then the Lord still being like, Courtney, I'm still good.[00:45:42] Cortney: Yeah. [00:45:43] Chris: Like, man, that's so powerful. So Courtney, your story is a story of redemption. it is literally like it has God's thumbprint all over it. And it's so powerful. And all the things you share with us today, there's so much wisdom and I've been so engaged in this episode. Let me ask you this as we conclude this episode. Run to the heart, run to the hurt. It's in the greatest heart. God's going to do the greatest work. It's the quote by Michael Christopher. And this mantra built this entire grief podcast. What does run to the hard to you now? [00:46:21] Cortney: Well, I think for me, you know, in the grieving and the hurting, What you want to do, like I said earlier, is you just, you want to stay away from people. you want to sit in your own thoughts and just think, what, what could I have done differently? Or why has this happened to me? all these things that try to hold us back from what God's called us to and the rest that he still has for us in this life.[00:46:56] But for me, running to the hard means doing those things, those things that are difficult. As far as being around people and letting people love you, letting people offer their help and because for me, that was hard. That was hard for me. But in that, I found so much love, so much encouragement, so much healing, and joy, rest also.[00:47:30] Chris: because there were a lot of people that offered even their home to me, just to say, hey, if you ever just need to get away from that area, just come and just be around people. And it was like, yeah, You didn't want to be around people, but most of the time you didn't want to be around people, I'm going to make a statement now I'm done with my questions. I'm gonna, this is a real and raw podcast, right? It's a grief podcast. Like we bear it all for good reason. Courtney was really anxious about getting on this podcast and she was anxious about telling the story.[00:48:09] she wanted the right message to land and I could sense this, this like, Oh no, I don't know if I'm, if I'm ready, if I'm going to say the right things, I can say with full confidence, this conversation has been spirit led and God has allowed you to communicate your grief story in such a beautiful way.[00:48:37] And I'm so proud of you for showing up to this episode. And sharing this story, Courtney.[00:48:44] Cortney: Thank you. Yeah, I really just wanted, I just want to be able to be used by God and I know, like I said before, I know that this hasn't happened to me to just not be shared. You know what I mean? Like, I believe that it's going to, it's going to touch other people. the thing I had to keep reminding myself in doing this is that this isn't my story, it's God's story.[00:49:17] And that I want the whole theme of Don's funeral was we want all of this to be for God's glory. And that's still, that's still what I want. although, this obviously, makes me nervous. I was always the kid that like, didn't was just shy and didn't want to be in front of people [00:49:37] It's just like, okay, Lord, like, I can't you're too good to, like, I have to do this for you, you know, even when so. That actually even answers the whole run to the hard thing, because for me, being in front of people and speaking in front of people and having the spotlight on me. It's hard, but when something like this happens.[00:50:02] To you, so tragic, like, obviously all eyes are on you then, you know, everybody is like, what happened? What happened? Have you heard her story? Have you heard her story? It's like, wow, I, I didn't ask for, for this, for all eyes to be on me. But, but if, if God is wanting to use this, you know, to bring other people into the kingdom, then I don't want to stand in the way of that.[00:50:32] Actually, after Dawn's funeral and When I spoke in front of all the people a lot of people were shocked that I did because obviously it was hard, but I felt like that god wanted me to and so I did because obviously losing your husband, you know, you want to be just sitting in the front row and just Taking in the service, And just Really taking time to reflect on his life and just be a spectator but I felt when I was planning the funeral.[00:51:10] I just felt like Don was such a special person to me and he Changed my life in such a powerful way just like in my life walking with the lord and I felt God was empowering me to speak, to speak, like, on his behalf. And I remember when they said in, you know, Courtney would like to speak.[00:51:41] Like I could just feel that people were like, what? And I mean, I was thinking the same thing, but the night before the funeral, like I just sat down and was like, okay, Lord, like, what do you want me to say? And I was just, he just downloaded it on me and. So as far as running to the hard, when I was younger, I did, I didn't want to be in front of people, but speaking at his funeral was very hard, very hard.[00:52:11] someone came up to me after the funeral and just affirmed me. It was like, Hey, I want you to know you have a gift and you need to do something with that. [00:52:24] Chris: Amen. Amen. Goodness gracious. So good.[00:52:28] Guys, I would be remiss if I did not thank Curtis Christopher and the Michael Foundation for supporting and funding the Run to the Heart podcast. I mean, this story is Only able to be broadcasted over a podcast because of the Michael Foundation. And so please do check out the Michael Foundation below.[00:52:53] Prayerfully consider donating to the Michael Foundation So we can continue this ministry. Thank you. [00:53:00] Courtney, thank you for joining the podcast today. [00:53:04] Cortney: You're welcome. [00:53:05] Chris: is there a place or some way that you would be okay with people contacting you who can relate, or you're not ready for that.[00:53:15] Cortney: Yeah, I mean, I would be okay with it. honestly, through Facebook would be the best for me. Is that okay?[00:53:20] Chris: Absolutely. so, so we can put your Facebook profile below.[00:53:23] Cortney: Yeah.[00:53:24] Chris: Okay, cool. And then, people can reach out to you that way. So, like I said, we're real and raw. It's all good. [00:53:31] Courtney. thank you so much for being on the podcast.[00:53:34] Cortney: having me.[00:53:36] [00:53:36] Hey, thanks so much for listening to the podcast, guys. Please head to rate this podcast.com/rtt to rate the podcast. And if you have not subscribed to our YouTube channel, please do so. And finally, third thing here. Finally, please check out the details behind the Michael Foundation in the link below.[00:53:55] We love your support on this foundation and helping families stuck in grief with financial expenses. Thanks again and we'll see you next time.

‍

‍