Ep 4: The Last Embrace & Questioning Heaven

Chris Farrell (00:00)All right, everybody. Welcome back to the run to the hard podcast. man. today is raw. It's real, especially, especially on my end because, and we were talking about this before we hit record, but, but I actually have some family, some family grief beginning to take place in, in our life and my sister -in -law.curtis (00:08)Hmm.Chris Farrell (00:30)She has had her son, her third son in the hospital for 57, I think it's day 57. And he's been on life support since he was born. He was at a specialist since February 1st, which is 90 days ago. And they've been waiting for him to arrive. He arrived and he's been on life support. And it's been a roller coaster up and down.curtis (00:47)Yeah.Chris Farrell (00:59)And we've just been given the news that there's a very slim chance of him leave, of him living. And so my wife flew out this morning to be with her in Florida. And it's just heavy, man. It's heavy. And you know, the perspective of this podcast has been, you know, the freshness of your grief and me being able to kind of help you breathe that story out. And I think what's interesting is I'm in a very similar spot to a listener.curtis (01:06)Hmm.Yeah.Chris Farrell (01:28)who might be listening in saying like, how do I help my friend in grief? Because the topic we're, we're going to cover and the topic that's so raw and real right now for her is that she's got to say goodbye and it's, it's unthinkable and it feels cruel. But, but yeah, I mean, I mean, Curtis, if you could just, just take me, take, take me to the last day in the hospital.curtis (01:32)Yeah.Yep. Yep.Hmm.Chris Farrell (01:58)with Michal and I know she said goodbye to multiple parties but just walk us through it.curtis (02:05)Yeah, well, first of all, my hard goes out to your family and, you know, I've been following. It's it's interesting because I've been following your journey and your wife's been posting and sharing what's going on as her sister is sharing and saying, please pray. You know, we need a miracle and all man, all the memories of that journey are, you know, you know, coming full circle and I am. Yeah, my hard goes out and we've been praying prayed several times yesterday last night.first thing this morning and I know you and I were in constant communication just you know trying to encourage each other as much as we can but man isn't that interesting that this journey that you guys are on right now is in the middle of what we're trying to do on this podcast and I tell you what I justChris Farrell (02:37)Thanks, man.curtis (03:01)Somebody out there needs it, I guess. And, you know, I'm willing to keep going down this path. But just so everybody knows, yeah, there's a serious struggle for a little baby's life right now. And we need to be in prayer for this family. Yeah, we've been going down this journey of we got the news, you know, shocking news that Michal has.this disease we.We get all of the doctor's information and tell us to go, you know, plan for the worst. We go for our first cancer treatment. We're in the hospital. We end up in ICU. God gives us these amazing days, but you know,first part of the week, I couldn't ask my wife the question, hey, when, when do you want to turn the machines off? I just was like, I knew the question had to be asked, but nobody wanted to ask it. Does that make sense? Like, whew. You know, she's like, well, don't I can't die on Quinny's birthday. I've got to last through Friday. And at some point I remember just a brief conversation of, well, let's, let's do it on Saturday then. And I know we've talked about.all that took place on Saturday and getting to see all the family members one by one coming in saying their last goodbyes. But she lasted through the night. And I got to have these amazing, profound moments, you know, about every hour through the whole night. But then Sunday morning, man, you the prayer requests coming in, the text, the messages, they were.They were unbelievable and there were so many coming in. But Sunday morning, I dozed off of all things. You know, I've been up for almost 48 hours and I dozed off. My wife woke me up on Sunday morning in full voice, full voice. Hey. And I opened my eyes and she's looking at me and she's in full voice and.The sun's out. We've turned her bed. So in case the sun came up, she could see it in the morning and and we're just we're having a conversation like we're just we're talking and it dawns on me. I'm like, you know, because the nurses had prepared me and said, usually there's this big jump. There's the you'll know it. She said there'll be this extra energy, something, but you'll know. And I was like, my word, like it's happening. My wife is in full voice. We're on a conversation. I remember saying.Hey, babe, you want me to call the kids and get them here? And she was like, no, no, they've said goodbye so many times. No, it's OK. And I remember she said, hey, my legs are killing me. Can you just rub my legs as we talk? And those are kind of personal times that I won't share a lot about. But we had a good conversation. A nurse comes in, and she's like, my.I mean, she sees this woman with her eyes wide open and she's carrying on a conversation and the nurse kind of freaks out like, my word, like, do we need to call hospice or something? I was like, no, no, no, it's okay. It's okay. It won't be long. And she hadn't been there. It was a new, new nurse. And, we talked for a little bit longer and, finally she, she leans over and says, Ooh, I don't feel so good. I was like, okay. is it time? Do you want your medicine? And she's like,Yeah, you better give me my medicine. So I hollered for the nurse. She comes in and she gives her another dose of heavy medicine and Michal Michal's up pretty quick. That's kind of how it went. That happened every about every 45 minutes all night long. She'd come to we'd give her medicine she'd come to and and you know, I'd been up for so long. I told the nurse I said, hey,I'm going to run down and get some coffee real quick. Will you promise to stand right here? Do not leave my wife." And she says, I promise. And so literally I run, I grab a cup of coffee. I don't even know if I got a sip in, but I run back to the room and there's three nurses and they're kind of hustling around the bed. And I was like, what happened? What happened? And the nurse said, it's okay. We just had a little incident. We've taken care of it. It's okay.But then I noticed the other nurse had put her finger in the little pulse thing. And I looked up at the screen real quick, and her pulse had just dropped. And she kind of gave me the nod and said, it's going to happen soon. And I look back at that moment, and I think, OK, I run to get coffee. What did I miss? And then I was like, I don't want to know. I thought to myself, maybe God spared me.an incident that I didn't want to remember for the rest of my life. Does that make sense? And I never asked. I didn't want to know because I was like, man, just maybe, just maybe he spared me something that I just didn't need to see or know. And I remember.I leaned in and put my head on her lap and I kind of grabbed her hand and you could see her breathing just kept getting shallower and less and they'd go one, two, three seconds and then six seconds and then eight seconds.I remember the nurses, I could see them out of my peripheral in the window. They gave me this moment on purpose. They weren't going to intrude.But I just kept saying over and over and over and over, like, it's okay, babe, it's okay. Go be with Jesus. Go be with Jesus. It's okay. It's okay. AndRemember that last breath, you know, and it's so vivid in my mind because you actually start counting, you know, 1001, 1002, 1003, 1004, and then you feel yourself wanting to scream, breathe.But you can't because you know that she wants to be there.even if I want her here.I remember,I remember she took her last breath and I just...I don't remember saying it out loud.Lord, please let heaven be real.Please let heaven be real.And,I don't know what other people go through or feel, but that's the first time in my whole life. And I don't want to call it doubt. I justwanted some kind of assurance that everything I'd been taught, everything that I knew, everything that I'd read was real.And.I don't know how long. Finally, her cancer doctor actually came in, hugged me and put his arm around me. The other nurses came in. They kind of, I don't know what they did, but they obviously had to do some things. And one of the nurses that had been there all week long, she was the one who came in and told Michal how much she loved her and appreciated her. Thanks for being this amazing.amazing person for the hospital to see. She came in and she lifted Michal up enough and said, put your arms around her.Just hold her.can't imagine having to do that job every day. These people do this every day. They work in an ICU where they have to experience this on a daily basis and help loved ones deal with the grief of death. And I, you know, I thought about that a bunch of times thinking, man,I don't know I amI had to start calling and texting family and her parents were already on their way and the kids were on their way in. But I had those moments to just a few moments by myself before anybody got there to just.contemplate, you know, heaven.You know, the reality of it is there's really only three things that could happen. Right? Everything we know is real. So there's a heaven or hell. That's two. Or none of it's real and they don't go anywhere. Right? That's there's really only three choices. That's it. It's not like death gives you this whole, you know, barrage of answers and things that can happen. No, that's it. You believe in heaven or hell or nothing happens. And in that moment,You know, you begin to think about the fact that hundreds and hundreds of hymns and songs have been written about heaven. And you remember the scriptures about heaven. You think about Jesus Himself promised this place where He's going to go prepare a place for us. And death is ugly. Death is awful. And I've heard people talk about, they just...quietly fell asleep and you know left this earth and went to heaven and you know and I wish that was the case you know the biology didn't work out that way and so you have these these memories not like that but you you you see death realand then you are.confronted, I mean, face to face with your faith. I believe this is true. I believe this is fact. Jesus's promises are true. And,Yeah, I choose to believe and.That's the journey.remember the first few months, man, I struggled with that memory. I mean, I fought it, I struggled, I dreamed about it. But little by little, God has given me more peace and comfort in knowing that my wife is in heaven. And He's the only one that can give you that kind of peace and understanding and know that I can fully trust in Him and fully trust His Word and fully trust the promise of heaven.My wifeShe couldn't wait to go.to watch her eyes and light up when people would come in the room and she'd say, I'm going to heaven. Like, how neat is that? I'm going to see Jesus. Like, whew. So having those memories of even her and her excitement about going, those are helpful. They're needed, you know?Chris Farrell (15:56)Yeah. So you, so you mentioned that when Michal took her last breath, you wondering like, Lord, is this real? Right. And, and you reference to scriptures where Jesus does say like, look, I prepare a place for you. But, but what's so interesting about what you're saying, Curtis, is that scripture does not.curtis (16:12)Yeah.Chris Farrell (16:25)spend that much time on heaven? And so you have a very valid question in your head, right? And you know, I'm thinking of scriptures like in Deuteronomy where it says, secret things belong to the Lord, right? And he'll only reveal the things that he wants to reveal to us. And while Jesus revealed heaven and its glory in certain...curtis (16:27)Mm -mm.Right.Chris Farrell (16:52)in certain ways. There's also scripture that references that, you know, Paul talks about how heaven was so glorious, the glimpse of heaven that he got was so glorious that he felt it was sinful to even talk about it because he would be boasting. And so we could look at this from the perspective of saying, man, why doesn't God give us enough about heaven for that assurance? But what we see in the scriptures when we really dive in, like,curtis (17:04)Hmm. Yeah. Right.Yeah.Chris Farrell (17:21)It's unspeakable, unspeakable joy because of the close proximity to God. And I know you've mentioned a few times, you know, we're praying to God, but Michal literally has his presence in his ear. So walk me back to Michal in that burst of energy. Was she aware that this burst of energy was...curtis (17:23)Right.Yeah.Chris Farrell (17:50)you know, close to what would be her final moments on earth.curtis (17:52)May, maybe, I don't know. Maybe. No, it was just more intimate. Man, I love you. You know, so proud of you. You've done this so well. Yeah, it was. It was just soaking her in, man. She was she was wide awake for a few minutes and we just we were hanging out like, you know, it was. It's good.Chris Farrell (17:56)You guys didn't have a conversation about it.Yeah.curtis (18:21)I felt like God gave me that moment, you know? Yeah.Chris Farrell (18:25)Absolutely, yeah. Yeah. My mother -in -law was a hospice nurse. And she always said that usually people who were maybe even older before they passed away, it would either be that they would have a day like that or they would have a day where they snapped out of it to the point, well,I'll never forget, Curtis. my grandmother was passing away and she, like, everyone was telling me, like, she was incoherent and couldn't speak. We all came to visit her in one day and dude, this whole entire day, God gave us that gift of, of being able to like, just snap out of it and, and speak to us and man, let me, let me tell you this real fast. I had such a gift that day. I had.curtis (19:02)Mm -hmm.Wow.Yeah.Chris Farrell (19:22)I had a last embrace of my grandmother and I, man, it was such a personal moment, but it was so awesome because I asked her, I was like, grandma, like, I mean, you know, you, you know, Jesus, right? You know, like just, just, just, just covering all our bases here. And, and she pulled me in and she was like, I can't wait to be with Jesus.curtis (19:40)Yeah, yeah, yeah.Chris Farrell (19:51)And she said that when I walked in that day, which like, dude, she said that when I walked in that day, me, me and my family, that she felt like this instant peace and just felt like God was telling her like you, you're, you're going to see, you're going to see him. one day in eternity and dude, having that last embrace with her when everyone was saying she was so incoherent and then getting in the car and leaving her.curtis (20:08)Hmm. Yeah, that's good. Yeah, that's good. Yeah.Chris Farrell (20:19)man, it was such an incredible gift. And you gotta wonder if that's just God's grace in these circumstances to give us those last moments of energy and clarity.curtis (20:26)Sure, yeah.Yep.Yeah, I felt like the entire 10 days that we had Michal in ICU was this amazing gift. Why you and I are doing this. Like she, she witnessed and gave testimony to everybody. You know, the hospital staff and her family and kids. And, you know, she gave us some, she gave us some things that were eternal.She gave us some perspective. Like, it was so good. So, it motivates me to do any of this is seeing my wife, you know, faced with the hardest things that anybody's ever going to be faced with, but face it fearlessly and so in love with Jesus. Like, this is okay. Like, this is what's going to happen to all of us, and I'm ready, and I'm prepared, and I want all of you to be ready. Like, it was truly a gift. It really was. Yeah.That's good.Chris Farrell (21:27)Yeah. So you've mentioned a few times that, you know, Michal, Michal gave us the blueprint for grief and hope, you know, and I know she was such a light in the hospital, but, you know, expand on expand on her attitude when she knew she knew what was happening, man.curtis (21:36)Yeah, yeah.I mean when we got the news it was it was awful like for everybodyBut there was definitely, you know, I could definitely see the switch when the switch was flipped, like, okay, this is real. This is happening. she went into teacher mode to mom mode to, you know, I want my kids to know that this is okay, that these things are going to happen to us in life. And, you know, she, she talked about, I've told people before I've, I've even written posts about this, that.We've got to prepare our kids for life. Stop sheltering them. You know, we live in the bicycle helmet world. We protect our kids from everything. And, I think the best thing I'm gonna talk to you, dad's best thing is to let boys go, you know, jump out of trees and ride bikes without helmets and get them dirt bikes and let them crash a few times. And every, every kid needs to break a bone. I just think they do. I think every kid needs to break a bone. Like I just do, you need to experience.Chris Farrell (22:57)No, I think you're right. Yeah.curtis (22:59)They need to experience hard things hurt. they need to see some, some real stuff. Like I just, and Michal was not afraid of that. She raised her kids that way. I mean, even to the point where there were some things that I saw it made me even nervous. And I, you know, I've raised some, some boys, right? So I went to their house one time and I saw the boys jumping off the top of the shed onto the trampoline. It was like,Chris Farrell (23:26)Let's go.curtis (23:29)Okay. Like, and she, I mean, it's not even phasing her. She looks out the window and says, look what the kids are doing and blah, blah, blah. And one time I saw Edward jumping up. He was trying to do like this running, jumping, shooting a bow and arrow at a box. And he wanted mom to video record it and do it in slow mo. So it looked really cool. And I was like, okay, this is super cool, but let's make sure the little kids go in the house when you're jumping in the air.Chris Farrell (23:48)yeah.Right, exactly. Dude.curtis (23:58)shooting a bow and arrow at a box in case, you know, it ricochets and hits a kid or whatever. So, you know, she raised these kids. yeah. I know. Yeah. dude. She's, that's just how she was. She was going to raise boys to be boys. And, and so, you know, this idea of, you know, facing pain, this idea of running to the hard, it was not a one time moment or aChris Farrell (24:02)Sure. Yeah. Yeah. Usually that's a mom comment. So that's hilarious that it was you.curtis (24:23)just a spur of the moment thing. She lived this way. She wanted her kids to know that life's hard. There's things that are going to happen. We've got to jump in and face it. And then the people that we know are going to have hard things and we want to be able to help them in the middle of the hard. This was the norm. This was our everyday life. It was not unlikely for her to get a phone call or a text. And she's like, I need to go help my friend. OK. What is it? She's like, well, I'll tell you more about it later. And she'd come back and.tell me a horrible story. Like she didn't, she didn't like shy away and say, you know, hey, I've got a great counselor friend or hey, here's my pastor's phone number. Like you probably ought to know. She just run right into it. And she'd come home and tell me these awful stories. And, and she was just she was fearless about that stuff, about running into everybody else's hard So in her mind, why would she not think that we would?jump right into her hardest moments ever because that's what she's been doing all along. And so it wasn't, you know, the lessons were being taught every day. You know, it wasn't this last moment, but the fact that we got these 10 days and we got to see, you know, in action what a Christian should look like facing the worst and most awful news and things that you're ever going to face. Like, we got to see it firsthand.what a Christian should be like. So I saw a little reel on Francis Chan. It's funny, just the other day and he was saying, like, we as Christians, we should be the calmest, most collected, peaceful. Like, we have the best news ever. We have the best future ever. We know where we're going. We know how this ends. And I was just, I was sitting there thinking like, Michal got it.Chris Farrell (26:11)Amen.curtis (26:21)She just she just got it. She understood and then she understood that her being anxious or in fear only made our situation worse. And so she brought a calmness to the room that everybody noticed the nurses, the doctors, her family like she she made it better for all of us. Yeah, pretty, pretty remarkable.Chris Farrell (26:44)Yeah.Man, what I, what I find so compelling about this story and obviously, and just the run to the hard concept, it's not like, like it's, it's basically impossible to take somebody, give them a diagnosis like Michal had, and then for somebody to just like, okay, I'm just going to be strong about this. I'm just going to be faithful if they haven't literally had so much evidence of doing that in the past, in so many areas of their life. And so as somebody who's listening to this,You know, let's just be real. There are people who are fearful, Curtis, who were taught fear, you know, around every corner. It's like, don't jump off that rock. Don't don't do this. Don't do that. So they grow up in fear. They grow up like anxiety is a normal thing, right? They are. They're constantly anxious and, you know, dare I say weak, right? Spiritually, mentally, physically, all the things. But if you're listening to this,curtis (27:21)Mm -hmm. Yeah.Yep. Yep.Mm -hmm.Yeah. Yep.Chris Farrell (27:46)And you can honestly say like, you know, I might fall in that category. I think what Michal teaches us is that the way we live before death prepares us for death and gives us that blueprint for grief. And, and, but the most important thing that, you know, I want to continue this conversation with is that again, she had a hope and eternal hope and we have an eternal hope to know that.curtis (27:57)Mm hmm. Yes, 100 % 100 %Yeah.Chris Farrell (28:15)She's with Jesus. And although the mystery of heaven does loom, you know, we have that confidence. But man, she taught us so much with the way she lived prior to that. And I can't wait to get into those stories because I've heard them, right? I've heard them. We talked about how you guys met and the vetting process and, dude, we'll get into it. We'll get into it. Yeah.curtis (28:16)Yeah.Yep. Yeah. Yeah. she was something. Yeah, she. Yep.Chris Farrell (28:44)Yeah, yeah. So.So Curtis, you and I have talked privately about this and I just think it's really important to take us to the moment of, you know, Michal passes away, you put your arms around her and you guys have a moment and nobody's there. And, you know, as you're...spending time with her, you know, just soaking in whatever moments you can. It finally comes a point where the nurses are like, okay, you know, we got to, we got to pack up. So, so just take us through.curtis (29:28)Yeah.That's an interesting story too, because I think I've shared in a previous episode when the kids came in. Because I had the kids coming, her parents were coming, and I told the kids to come in and grab an arm, grab a leg, hold a foot. I wanted them to experience this moment. This was the last time they were going to get a chance to embrace their mom. OK?Chris Farrell (29:33)those moments.curtis (30:03)And as weird as that might sound, but you know, again, we just talked about preparing kids when we're alive and she had done that and I was trying to prepare them. But even in death, like we're not going to fear this thing. Yeah. And I even remember saying the words, you know, mom's not here. Like, this is just her body, but I do want you to have this moment, but I want you to see this moment and know that mom's gone. Like she's in heaven. And then her parents came in and I remember we all, we all hung out in there for a while.the some of the aunts and uncles had come the kids left the room and her her parents and I man we just We had a moment We're hanging on we're hanging out in there with Michal's body. Literally I would say for an hour It's weird as that sounds like we we had some We had some private moments some conversation some much -needed conversation some things that just needed to be said We vetted we vented some stuff like we justIt was good. And...We kept telling each other.It's amazing. There's a shell of a body there, but Michal's in heaven. Like, death is real. Like, there's no spirit. There's no soul. Like, it's gone and you feel it. You know it and you're like, okay. And I remember that during those moments, you know, just kind of working that out in my mind, like, okay, that's just a body now. That's not Michal. Like, her essence, her being, her joy, her, you know,personality like, my goodness, like it's gone. She's not here. So remember, working that out and we sat there for a while and finally the nurse comes in and says, guys, I'm really sorry, but there's some things that we have to do. You guys gotta go. And so, you know, mom, dad and I, we are like, okay, okay. And so, man, I look around the room and there's just stuff, there's stuff everywhere. You know, there's, there's flowers, there's gifts, there'sHer clothes her coat her purse her phone, you know, that's been dinging off the hook for four days her Her hair bows, you know her crunchies Her toothbrush that I would she'd make me brush her teeth every day a couple times a day because she couldn't do it and You know, and so we're looking for bags we're starting to pack things up andYeah, it was a moment because it's like, man, this is it. Okay, we're taking everything home. And, you know, she had her favorite water bottle. She had her little backpack, you know, and I'm putting all these items in her backpack and, you know, kind of carrying them out for the last time.So with depth there's all of these lasts, these last times, these last things, the last time I'm going to walk in that room.last time I'm gonna comb her hair, it's the last time I'm gonna brush her teeth, it's the last time I'm gonna hold her.It's the last time I'm going to cut up her lemons for her lemon water that she drank every single day. She wanted fresh lemons. I had to bring fresh lemons to the hospital every day. I'd cut them up and I'd squeeze them and I'd give her fresh lemon water.Last time the feeder.So you asked the question, you know, gathering things up. It wasn't just gathering things up. It was just, it was the last of a hundred things.You know, people talk about the funeral kind of being this last mark, but for us, mom and dad and, you know, the kids that that was the last. The funeral was just kind of a formality, you know, that was the day that we walked out for the last time.Chris Farrell (34:41)So take me to the funeral because you have the funeral. Michal asks you to preach the eulogy.curtis (34:53)Yeah. Yeah.Chris Farrell (34:57)What's the story behind that.curtis (35:00)Yeah, Wednesday, you know, we'd have some moments during the day when there might not be somebody there. She says, Hey, I'm like, what? She says, I want you to preach my funeral. I was like, what? She's like, you know, you know me better than anybody. Now, just think about that statement for a second. We've been married two years. We've known each other for a year and a half, and we've vetted each other hard.Man, we spent so much time, so many hours telling our story, diving in, digging in, and she was like, you know me better than anybody. I want you to tell my story.Yeah, that wasI remember getting home and my kids had come and tried to help around the house and there was one day, because there's basically a week, she passed away on a Sunday, there are the funerals on a Saturday. And so there's this whole week, you're getting a grave plot. You're...picking on a casket, you're doing all this stuff, which she didn't want any of it. She just want to be buried in a box. She didn't even want to be buried. She wanted me to cremate her. And I was like, no, we got to have a spot, you know? And, you know, I know the funeral home guy and he kept asking me about all these things. And I looked at him like, dude, you know, Michal, she wouldn't spend a dime on any of this stuff. He's like, yeah, you're right. You know? So it was, it was some interesting moments like that. But I remember having to...probably Wednesday or Thursday, I was like, I gotta get this thing written. I've got to write this. Because for me, if I speak in public, I write it all. I want to stay on track, stay on point. And so I locked myself in the office and just sat and wrote for, I don't know, a couple, three hours. And I get done with it and it's terrible. I hate it. Like, there's not a funny story in it. There's not a single joke. There's none of that.And Michal would have been so mad. Like she's so much fun. Like she cracked jokes in the hospital nonstop. Some of them were even inappropriate. Like she just, she couldn't help but be fun. And so, you know, she would crack jokes with the doctors, with the nurses. And I was just going to tell you one. I was like, nope, I can't tell you that one.Chris Farrell (37:16)Yeah.No.curtis (37:37)I'm like, my goodness, like she'd tease with the nurses like, hey, pull the screen. I need a moment with my husband. She was just all the time, all the time cracking jokes and the, and she, that's just how she was. So I get done writing this whole thing out and I'm like, this is terrible. Like there's nothing funny in here. I don't tell. And so,Chris Farrell (37:37)I mean, you can, and then we can edit it out if we totally hate it, but you know.No, that's awesome. Yeah.curtis (38:02)I told her dad, I told her dad, I was like, I had to rewrite the whole thing. I had to start over and be like, okay. And still, you know, just, just kind of, I wanted to represent her well and, and, have some funny moments and tell some, some good stories. And so I did it. And, yeah, the, when you, when you are in charge of the funeral, you know, you have to write out all the details. And so, you know, I've, I've got the singers and I've got.several different pastors speaking at different points because we had some really good pastor friends and and And so when you write it all out and then you've got to pick out the pictures. I didn't talk about that I mean 25 ,000 pictures on her phone. What am I supposed to do with that? So I've got hurt some of her family are going through, you know photo albums and putting together childhood pictures and things like that and I'm going through her phone and I'm trying to do my bestto present my wife well and you have this incredible burden of I don't want to forget anything. I want to make sure it's perfect and this and that. And so perfectionism takes over and that by itself can just crush you. And so, you know, and then I'm meeting with my friend who's organizing the slides and the music and the video and this and that. And I didn't put any places in the whole service to stand up. Service was two hours long. And so I'm sitting there thinking.Crap, four pastors have gotten up, a song person, and I haven't spoke yet, and we haven't stood and stretched yet. I literally had to point it all out and nobody caught that. You know what I mean? So I'm a little bit mad too, like, somebody stand up. I almost felt like standing up in the middle of the church and being like, everybody stand up, you know, because I'd missed it. I didn't say it in my little document. So it gets time for me to speak. And I lean over to Ella and I said, I don't think my legs work. Like we'd been sitting so long.Chris Farrell (39:39)Yeah, yeah.That is awesome.curtis (39:58)And I'm, I'm feeling, you know, physically I'm just, I'm a wreck and we're going to talk about some of that stuff later, but physically I'm like, I don't think I can stand up. And she's like, are you going to be okay? I was like, I don't know. Like I literally had this terrible fear of I'm not going to be able to walk up to the platform. And so I remember standing, composing myself, like checking my feet, making sure they worked, you know, and I don't know if anybody caught any of that. I have no idea. You know, but if you knew.Chris Farrell (40:23)No, no, I watched it live and no man, no one noticed.curtis (40:27)how horrified I was that I that physically I wouldn't be able to get to the platform. And anyways, God help me. And we got through it. But you can't explain what grief just does to you mentally, physically. Like it just it wrecks you. And anyways, we got through it. The Lord the Lord was good. It was helpful. Yeah.Chris Farrell (40:53)So good.Yeah. So you mentioned that, you know, you're trying your best to represent Michal well to the point where you're going to, you're going to rewrite this thing to make sure it represents her well. And now the funeral is over. We're at the grave side and you made a bold, impulsive move and I love it. And so you gotta tell, you gotta tell this story.curtis (41:03)Hmm.Yeah. Yeah.Mm.Well, before we even get to the grave side, let me just tell you what it's like having a whole bunch of kids and a family. Like, I remember there was this huge rush where we've loaded the casket, we're getting in our cars and people are like, where's this kid? Where's this kid? Have we forgotten this kid? And so now there's family running around the church, running through the parking lot, making sure that we haven't forgot a kid. I'll never forget that because that was our life. That was like normal. You know, I can't...Chris Farrell (41:26)Okay.sure.Mmm.Yeah. Lots of kids constantly counting with your eyes.curtis (41:54)I drove off one time in the front yard and I looked in the back seat of the truck and I was like, where's Wesley? And they're like, why was Wesley supposed to go with us? I was like, yeah, where is he? I had to drive home. Wesley's playing baseball in the front yard by himself. Yeah, we just drove off without him. So losing a kid was like a normal thing. And so we're at the funeral. Why would it be no different, you know?Chris Farrell (42:03)my gosh.no way.It's easy, it's easy, yeah.curtis (42:19)And so finally somebody's like, we found him. He's in so and so's car. He didn't tell anybody. Nobody knew where he was at. So we find a kid. So, you know, there's humor and all of that because it's still life. It's it's life is still happening around you, you know? And, and, so this is where, you know, I've never done a funeral before. I had to plan a funeral and.Chris Farrell (42:19)Yeah.Mm -hmm.curtis (42:44)I lean over to my friend, Wendell I was like, crap, we're going to the, we're going to the grave site. He's like, let me guess, you didn't ask somebody to speak. He said, he said, this is great. He said, I'm prepared just in case because I was wondering if you forgot. By the way, this is the first time I've ever told that. So nobody knows this. This is the first time somebody's heard that.Chris Farrell (42:53)man. my gosh.My man, let's go. That's a good friend. That's a good friend, man.Yeah, I love it.curtis (43:12)We didn't have somebody prepared to speak at the graveside. So, so we did have dad, dad was going to read some scripture and he was going to say a prayer. but we didn't have anybody, you know, making it happen. And I, at this point I'm done. Like, I don't want to do it. but mom and I, her mom and I, when we were at the funeral home, picking out a casket and things like that. I said to her, I said, I can't remember who had the idea. I think she might have.Chris Farrell (43:25)Mm -hmm.curtis (43:42)something like we need to do something different. You know, we've got all of these grandkids, all these siblings, like Michal loved kids. She loved having fun. Like what can we do different? So her and I were sitting there brainstorming. I was like, paint, let's bring paint to the grave site. And she was like, that's a great idea. And then she's like, yeah, but parents would be so mad if we brought paint. So I said, well, let's bring markers then. And she said, good idea. I'll bring the markers. You hand them out.Chris Farrell (44:04)my gosh.curtis (44:11)I was like, done. So we get to the grave side and I mean, again, you don't, you don't prepare. You don't know, you know how this is going to go. A ton of people came. I'm just going to throw a number out there. 250 people showed up to the grave side. There was cars and people everywhere. And, and I didn't expect that. I thought it would just be family members. I didn't realize a bunch of people would show up. And so dad says a couple of scriptures. Dad prays. Wendell says,Well, folks, thank you so much for coming out. It's been a great day honoring Michal At this point, we're going to be dismissed and we're going to go back to have a meal together. And you're all invited. And I raised my hand and I said, hold up, not yet. Like, this is our moment. And I have this bag full of markers. And I said, okay, everybody. I said, you guys know how much Michal loved to have fun and she loved kids. And we had kids in our house just all the time. And...There were painting parties and baseball parties and soccer. I mean, we just always had kids doing stuff. I said, so all the cousins, we brought markers, Grammy and I, we brought markers because we want you to write, draw color, trace your hands on the casket. And you could just hear the crowd gasp. No, they were horrified. Like you could just, like you could feel this moment of like, what?Chris Farrell (45:26)Amazing. my gosh. Sure. Yeah. Yeah.curtis (45:35)And like eyes were this big around and I didn't care. I was like, this is going to be a moment. And so, and the kids were like, yay. And so all these kids come up to me and we're handing out markers to all these kids and they run over the casket and they're tracing their hands and they're drawing on it and writing on it. And I only took, I didn't want to like gawk at anybody, but I looked around and there were some horrified people. Like they couldn't believe what we were doing, you know?Chris Farrell (45:43)sure sure dude that is so amazing.curtis (46:04)But as the, but, but well, the, I think it's just this moment. Like, what are you, that's a casket. There's a, you know what I mean? Like, cringe, you know? And so, and so after a few minutes, older cousins were like, I want in on this. And then siblings got in on it and then aunts and uncles got in on it. And all of a sudden,Chris Farrell (46:04)They must not have known Michal well enough.Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Sure. That's so good though, man.curtis (46:28)There's just this mob around the casket and they're handing pens to their markers to each other. And everybody's writing the last minute note on the casket. And, yeah, it was, it was good because it took the solemn moment of like, nobody knew what to say. I hadn't even prepared a Grape side message, nothing. And we just made it a celebration. And next thing I know, like cameras are out, videos are out and people are.walking around and video in the casket and take pictures. And there was family portraits around the casket. Like that's, it's, that's weird in one way, but in this situation, we made it a celebration. You know, we, we made it fun. Like this was Michal, like this was all Michal. This would have been her to the T like, no, no, no. Like I'm going to heaven. We're going to celebrate this and we're going to celebrate it with kids. And so anyways, yeah, it was, it was a good moment.Chris Farrell (46:58)Hmm... Dude... Yeah. Yeah.Hmm.It's just so like I said you and I don't really know that you've given yourself so much credit for this but I see it and I think a lot of people see it is that you know from the time she's in the hospital during these ten days even before that we could see we could see your servants heart for her man and even even upon her passing away like you being so intentional about honoring her legacy and honoring her and withcurtis (47:40)Hmm.Chris Farrell (47:51)with your incredible eulogy speech, which I watched. I was just like, my goodness, my gosh, it was just awesome. And then making that bold move and bringing the markers and stuff, man, I mean, it's just, it is so special. It's so unique, it's so her from all of the stories that you've told me about.curtis (47:59)Thanks.Right.Chris Farrell (48:16)So previously we were talking about the hope of heaven and we were talking about the scriptures and I thought as we end this episode it would be appropriate for us to read Jesus's description of heaven and it says, in my father's house are many mansions and if it were not so I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you and if I go and prepare a place for you I will come again and receive you.curtis (48:19)Mm -hmm.Chris Farrell (48:45)myself. That's where I am, there you may be also. And where I go, you know in the way you know. And David Guzik had some really awesome commentary on this one time. I just love this line. It says, love prepares a welcome. With love, expectant parents prepare a room for the baby. With love, the hostess.curtis (49:12)Hmm.Chris Farrell (49:14)prepares for her guests. Jesus prepares a place for his people because he loves them and is confident of their arrival.curtis (49:26)Yeah, that's good.Chris Farrell (49:27)man, so powerful because we sit here on earth and we talk about this stuff and like you said, death is real. It's undeniable. There's so much evidence for death and it's real and it's tragic. Whether you're a Christian or not, it's awful. But the hope that we have as Christians, like I said, is that this place that Jesus is describing, like Michal is experiencing it.curtis (49:56)Yeah. Yep.Chris Farrell (49:56)in this moment right now and Jesus is preparing the arrival for you and for me and for the body of believers and we get that hope in the darkness of grief. Man, man. So in the next episode, Curtis, we're going to cover after the funeral, you know, getting back to that, you know,a new normal, if you could even call it that. And just go through the process and some of the unexpected things. And so thanks for joining us, everybody. We'll see you next time.curtis (50:37)Sure.Yeah, thanks.