Ep 6: Say The Things

Three months before she passed away, this message of, man, I hope those people said the things about that person in real life, and not just at a funeral. Run to the Heart podcast where we're here to remind you that God doesn't promise us a life free from suffering, but he always brings healing and restoration on the other end. Our goal is to inspire you to face life's trials with courage and trust in God's plan. And oh yeah, run to the heart that God allows. Oh dude, I got a funny story. I'm not proud of it, but it's funny. So probably about three weeks in, you know, we have gone to coffee, we have gone to dinner. She's made me a home cooked meal. Could she cook? Oh my goodness, she's a great cook, yeah. So we're sitting at her kitchen table, because I think I had gone over early on a Saturday morning. She loves Saturday morning coffee. So I think I'd gone over early on a Saturday morning coffee and we're just chatting, still kind of in the vetting process. We're still working through a lot of things. And she looks up at me and she says, do you think I'm pretty? I was like, what? Are you kidding me? Your response was what? You're like, are you kidding me right now? Like, oh man, I think you're gorgeous. Like you're, yes, I think you're very pretty and she says How come you've never told me that? Come on man Should have known after how many how many years of marriage That's hilarious. Cuz that's exactly what she said. He was like, um You think there might have been a problem in your marriage This is the part that I don't want to admit to. So I said, yeah, I think you're super pretty. I think you're gorgeous. And she's like, well, why don't you ever say that? And I said, I don't know. I figured that you have heard that your whole life. And she's like, what? You didn't tell me that I'm pretty because you think that I've heard that my whole life. Well, I was like, well, now hear me out. At this point, I'm totally defensive. You're digging a hole right now. Oh, it's terrible. Yeah. And so I said, well, here's, no, let me explain. I figured that you've probably heard that your whole life and I really want to get to know you for you and I don't want it to just be about your looks. And she said, are you serious right now? You won't tell me I'm pretty because you're trying. Anyways, nothing I could say would fix this. I said, no, you're right, it's another fail and I'm sorry, but yes, you are beautiful. And it didn't matter what my excuse was at that point, I was like, oh man. She said, don't you know, it doesn't matter. All women want to be called beautiful. Like, since we're little girls, we want to hear that. I'm like, that's fair. Okay, I'm sorry. And so this is how this conversation goes. I'm like, oh my word. Anyways, from that moment on, I never missed an opportunity to tell her, you know, her outfit was pretty. She was pretty, loved her hair. Like I had to step it up. I realized that I started in the hole and I had a long ways to go to get out of that hole. Oh, it's awesome, man. Yeah. And that turned into, man, texts and memes. Oh, my word. That's when memes were first coming out. And music, finding a song that, you know, we weren't quite to the love song stuff yet. But we would find inspirational songs we liked. And for the longest time, she wouldn't tell me she liked me and I was always like I really like you and she wouldn't say it back it was hilarious and so I found a song by Ben Rector that basically said I like you and I sent it to her as a joke and you know I got the big haha or whatever you know and so you know at that point you know we're texting and messaging and on a regular it was just it was a ton of fun but I did not miss the opportunity to tell her that she was pretty. She, oh man, once we started dating, she would always embarrass me. She'd say something in public like, you're so handsome or you're so hunky and I'd get all red. I mean, she was just open like that. And she says, why do you get so embarrassed when I say nice things to you or compliment you? I'm like, I don't know, I'm not used to that. And she said, did people not ever say anything like that to you? I'm like, nope. And so what we found out about each other was that we both needed that kind of appreciation. She didn't have much in her life either. And that was hard to hear, how somebody who's so, not just beautiful outwardly, but beautiful internally too, how she craved and needed that so much. And then her figuring that out about me, that was hard for me to even admit. As a dude, I don't know, we don't think that way. But I was figuring out her needs in that area, she was figuring out my needs in that area, and in the end, we realized that we both needed a lot of affirmation. Was that her love language? Words of affirmation? It was one of them, yeah. Also, you could tear her down really quickly by not saying the right thing or saying something harsh. And I would have to be really careful. I'm coach, and sometimes I'm too direct, too pointed, too, you know, harsh. And I would see what that would do to her and I'm like, oh man, I gotta get better at this. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. So, but those were also triggers too. You know, again, past. When you're starting a new relationship, you're always dealing with those kinds of things. And sometimes you don't even know. A trigger will just show up. You're like, oh my word, what happened? What went wrong? And then to identify what it was to have that conversation. Hey, I'm really sorry, that really wasn't about you, but that sure triggered something in me. And we need to work through that. We need to talk through that. So just one more of the hurdles of dealing with divorce and on a new relationship, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, words were really important. Yeah, I mean words are really important as a father Yeah, I I realize that's a huge. It's a huge weakness of mine is Words, you know the Bible talks about how how powerful the tongue is and I know as fathers and leaders We oftentimes break our kids down and realize oh man proof Guilty yeah, you know charge. Yeah, I've issues with that as well. And back to Michael and not needing affirmation from the world, but from the most important people. Her personal. Yeah. Her personal. Exactly. And that's something I think all guys can listen to and probably make the excuse, like, it's fine. She knows. She knows she's attractive. It's not a big deal. But yeah, I mean, who doesn't like to be complimented? Yeah. So as we're beginning to date, learning each other what our love languages and things are. One of the things she needed words of affirmation for me. One thing that she did for me that I didn't even know I loved, but it was amazing. And she'd leave me these notes. She'd leave me notes to find, you know, she'd come to the house for dinner and after she left, I'd find this note that she left me. Now this is wrong. I can't, you know, she would spray it with perfume and leave it for me. Oh my word. She knew what she was doing. Oh my goodness. And so to find one of these notes, yeah, that was a big deal. And I've got them all, I've kept them all. I actually went and found them. I dug through some boxes, because we had moved after we got married. And so some of this stuff got packed away, but I've recently gone back and found some of those. And oh man, it's good stuff. But words were a big deal to Michael, and affirmation was a big deal. But Michael also was very good at affirming others. I was learning this about her, she was learning these things about me, but one of the lessons I learned from her was how well she treated people and affirmed people. So she would easily and so quickly give compliments. Probably three months before before we went to the hospital and Michael passed away we'd gone to a funeral and I could tell she was bugged differently not just the fact we'd gone to a funeral but she came home and we're sitting, standing in the kitchen actually and she said she said you know how people always say all these really nice things about the person you know that passed away I'm like yeah she says it really bugs me I'm like what do you mean? She said, do you think they actually said those things to the person when they were alive? And I was kind of thrown back like, yeah, man, I don't know, babe. I sure hope they did. She said, well, I want it to be said of me that I said all those things before a funeral. And oh, man, not only did it blow me away, Yeah, and oh man Not only did it blow me away, but it convicted me I'll never forget this and then to look back and realize it was literally months before my wife would go to the hospital and die Like this was the conversation that we were having in the kitchen. I Said to her I remember saying to her I said man. I sure I sure hope so I sure hope they said those things to that person. She said well I I'm gonna be the person who always says it. I'm not going to wish that I had told somebody a nice thing that would have been so easy to do in the moment. And I got so convicted that over the next few days I actually went and wrote down names of people that I needed to go affirm. Like I needed to say thank you. I needed to say thank you for pouring into me, and I mean I went all the way back to my childhood and was writing names down because she so convicted me with this power of affirmation. I'm a pretty stoic dude. I've always said I accidentally keep people on their toes. Accidentally? Yes. In relationships, I don't purposely do it, but I'm just not like a toucher or a cuddler or anything like that. And so sometimes there's that question like, man, I don't know. Does he care as much as – right? Gotcha. So there's this one time where my wife was going to the in-laws house and I just randomly came over and how grateful I was for her. And that night we were sitting in bed and I threw her a pillow. This is the weirdest thing. I threw her a pillow and I was like, can I just talk to you for a second? I just started literally telling her how important she was to me. I only did it once and she brought it up so many times. Dude, you got to get on the ball. And she called it pillow talk because I threw the pillow at her. Yeah, right. And I was like, hey, like I just threw it at her and she held on to it and she just sat there listening to me. And she kind of did the same thing to me, but it was one time in our marriage where I – and then now every time I say something nice, she's like, is this – are we about to have pillow talk? But anyway, I can totally relate with how important that is, especially for somebody who it doesn't naturally come easy for you to share those things with people. But you're absolutely right, and Michael was so right about this, that we do go to the funerals, and we do hear those things about people. And we see them in a different light because we see the pictures of them playing with their kids, and we don't take the opportunity to tell them so I think that is really really good. I had a friend Say to me one time, you know how you always say the word Appreciate it, you know, somebody does something for you to help you move whatever. Hey, man, thank you. Appreciate it Well a friend of mine said instead of saying appreciate it. He said to me one time. He said man, I appreciate you And it it threw me back. Wait a minute. Yeah, he changed the word from it To you. It's all he did. Yeah, and I said wait, what did you say? He said I appreciate you I said I Don't think I've ever heard it like that. He said well, it's one thing to appreciate something you do for me He said it's a whole nother thing to say. I appreciate you Yeah And I never forgot that and I don't do it as often as I want to, but I'm trying to change that in my own life and tell people, I appreciate you. Think about that. Yeah. It's a big deal. Yeah. To just change the one word. Sure. From I appreciate this thing you did for me to I appreciate you. Yeah. You know, I'm actually glad you're bringing this up because personally, whenever I just meet somebody and they're like, you know, trying to be buddy-buddy with me and they're like, hey, love you, man. I'm like, oh, that's kind of off. I don't – you don't really love me and I don't really love you. So I'm a little weird. Yeah, so sometimes it catches you off guard. You're like, oh, yeah, I love you too. So you feel all weird, but that's a really nice middle ground when you begin to meet someone and you're not trying to be weird, but you're just like, I appreciate you. I like that. But it's – It's good. It's good. It changes it up. And so, that was, you know, Michael's teaching me these things. I've got this friend who changes one word. I'm like, man, that's powerful. I also had a colleague I worked with, Rob Hartman. He worked at the college. I remember Rob. And he would do this thing and, man, it was so impactful. So I'd walk in and me and I'm always running around in a flurry, like 10 million things going on, trying to get stuff done, trying to get decisions. I need you to make this decision. I need this done, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just, that's, I'm just operating like that all day long. And I go to his office and knock on his door. Hey, you got a minute, Rob? He's like, yeah, come on in. He would do this every single time. He would turn from his computer, turn his chair, look you in the face, put his arms up over his head and say, Curtis, what can I do for you today? And I never forgot that because he would give you his absolute full attention, move from his computer, put down whatever he had in his hand, position himself directly in front of you, put his hands up behind his head like okay. I'm relaxed. I'm focused on you. What do you need? Hmm, and I thought wow you want to talk about being feeling appreciated Yeah, it did something to me, and he did it every time yeah And so that's another one of those moments where you pay attention to somebody who truly is You know some of us need a word Michael needed a word. Yeah me the notes I love the notes or then somebody looks at you and says I appreciate you For somebody who needs words, that's a big deal. Yeah, and then for somebody who gives you direct eye contact You know full-on contact complete and total attention I've never forgot those moments since there's a hot commodity it is it's such a hard commodity. And you're convicting me as you're saying this, because it's absolutely true. We are always allowing ourselves to half-catch a conversation as we're looking down into our phone and all the things. So even back to what Michael was saying about, like, hey, are we actually saying the things to the person while they're alive? Are we actually giving the person the attention? Yeah, I know. I mean for me that's, I could think of some people who would pass away and have instant conviction. Did they feel like I heard them? Yeah. When we were dating, Michael used to talk about her grandma Wilson a lot. It also was convicting because she would talk about driving over, spending time with Grandma Wilson, asking her the deepest and best questions and Grandma Wilson would just pour into her. And you know that requires time. Again, time, words, affirmation, and they loved each other. She'd tell me something. Grandma Wilson was one of those ladies that, you know, was way open. Aren't all old people? I don't know what the threshold of old is anymore, but I think what it is, is I'm willing to literally tell you what I think no matter how bad it hurts your feelings. She would tell me stories that Grandma Wilson would tell everybody, like I don't want to know that. She's like I'm just telling you because she told me. I'm like yeah, but I don't need to know that. Literally. You'll never get that visual out of your head. No, but it's awful. But when Michael was in her 30s You know her and her sisters got got to be at her bedside and help her in passing And I think that was another piece of Michael's overall puzzle was you know, she'd Experienced, you know the death in a child She experienced the death of her grandparents and grandma Wilson was was special because she was around helping her in the last days and spending time with her and having great conversation, affirmation. You just mentioned, is there anybody that we need to tell them we love and appreciate them and hope that we could do that before they were passed away? It made me think of my pastor that I grew up with, big guy, kind of a larger than life guy, pastored the same church for almost 50 years. I went to his retirement service not too long ago and he would definitely be one of those guys. Remember, I'm the poor kid raised by a single mom and the Lord brings us into this community and we become part of this church and this pastor takes us in. He hires my mom. She works at the Christian school. I remember lots of times where, you know, he'd pick me up. Sometimes it was to go work at a church project or to go work on buses. You know, we had a bus ministry at the church. We had a Christian school. We had a daycare. We had a bus ministry. We had a prison ministry. I mean, this guy just, he was doing all the things. Even as a kid I remember him coming by picking me up and taking me on Saturday morning callings where he would go door to door, big guy, go door to door knocking on doors, inviting people to church or just to pray with them. One of those times I'll never forget he had these maps for? And they were of the three towns. And he would mark out city blocks. And on this Saturday, I'm going to go door to door in this city block. And then next Saturday, and he had a check mark in it, next weekend I'm going to go to this city block and this city block. It wasn't our town, it was three. He did this weekend after weekend after weekend. Man he was on fire for winning people to Jesus. That's awesome. You know, he drug this poor little ratty kid along with him. Man I'll forever be grateful for Pastor Shoup. He's still alive. He is. You know, as I got older, you know, he got sterner. He had a kid my age. So we were buddies growing up and Pastor Shoup had this great big old crooked index finger I think he cut it off when he was a kid and I think they taped it back on but anyways it Good, but it was big as huge And so you knew you were in trouble because he would pound it in your chest if he was trying to kick yeah, true story, I remember a few of those moments and I remember as a kid going over to his house and playing with his son and we'd get rough house and are doing something we get in trouble and and Instead of spanking us he grabbed us by the head to knock our heads together. What the heck? Oh my gosh. True story. About to knock us out. Oh my gosh. But that was what he did. That is, uh. That's what he did. But you know, later in life, I went off to college and came back. And I worked for him. It was good. He gave me freedom to learn a lot of things, a lot of things that I still hold dearly today. But he and his wife, Diane, love them, appreciate them. Diane, she managed the kitchen at the campground where we grew up. It was a Nazarene campground where we grew up. And I would work for her in the summer. He was my pastor, but I would work for her in the summer. To tie all this together, the campground of the lake where my cabin is at today, that I've been telling you all about is the place that I grew up, where Diane was my boss, and worked in a kitchen that I got to work the camps and stuff in the summers when I was a kid. That's amazing. Yeah, so it's all connected. Wow. And, you know, these were really good folks. And if there's anybody that I would want them to know how much I loved and appreciated them. It'd be John, Diane, Pastor Shoup and his wife. Yeah, that's good. Good folks. That's good, man. Shortly after Michael passed away, I remember I wrote a post and I called it, I called it, Say the Things. I remember at the hospital, you know, we had been practicing for, you know, two and a half years now, saying the things. Babe, you're beautiful. You're so talented. You're such a great mom. You're such a great wife. We had been practicing this whole time saying the things. She was teaching me to say the things, to appreciate people, to appreciate my kids. Boy, she'd chastise me. She'd say, why do you always argue with your son? Why do you guys always have to make things into an argument? Just love on him. Just love on him and encourage him. You know what I mean? Because sons and dads, everybody has their niche and we had ours and we loved to argue about stuff. But she'd get on me and she'd say, no, you're missing opportunities to just love and appreciate. She challenged me and my relationships with others to say the things. You know, back to that whole three months before she passed away, this message of, man, I hope those people said the things about that person in real life and not just at a funeral. What a lesson, man, what a lesson. And I can promise you that, you know, those days in the hospital, man, I didn't miss a minute to say the things. And if there's a huge lesson that I'm still learning is to keep saying the things. These kids need to hear it. My kids need to hear it. My mom needs to hear it. My pastor needs to hear it. Oh man, there's a story behind that. I went to lunch with one of my closest friends, pastor friend, on Diamond, and sat down and I said, hey, I don't wanna hear about church stuff today. I don't wanna hear about the normal stuff we talk about. How are you doing? What's going on in your life? I was shocked. He said, Curtis, I've been pastoring for 20 years. Nobody's ever asked me that. I said, what? He said, no. He said, I don't think I've ever been able to just take the pastor hat off and just sit down and be me. Like that's nuts. And again, lesson, like are you serious? Our pastors need that freedom. They just need to be encouraged and loved on and let them feel like they're human and normal and what's going on in their lives. And so then I made it a habit of, hey, let's go lunch regularly. Let's not talk about church stuff, ministry stuff. Let's talk about personal stuff. What's going on? Obviously that's hard for some because of their position. I get that. But they need somebody. They need somebody to give them words of affirmation and encouragement. Man, that was a big deal for me to hear a pastor of 20 years say, nobody's ever asked me that. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that is a really interesting perspective. I completely agree because I think maybe some of us think about asking that but maybe wouldn't ask that because we're like, oh, well, you're technically a spiritual authority and I'm sure you don't want to get into any of your stuff, but they're human, right? But there's got to be a trust level. Sure. Yeah. And you mentioned Dr. Miller, the counselor, how his business exploded because people were connecting with his story, having been divorced and been a Christian. almost like if you're able to bond with your pastor on that level, maybe the bond grows deeper. Sure. Which then leads us to, man, who else needs us to say something? You know, who are we rubbing shoulders with on a regular basis that needs words of affirmation? You know, she was always teaching, constantly. She was one of my greatest teachers. That sounds weird coming from Professor Christopher. Yeah. Right? Sure. But here's this woman, every day I was with her was constantly teaching me, but that was a big lesson. And I've wrote about it. I've talked about it. Say the things. Man, don't ever walk away being defeated because we didn't say the things we needed to say. Yeah. Yeah, so good. And going back to the people that need to hear the things, I'm thinking of kids, especially now. I mean, something that we could get away with was if you're bullied at school, you get to come home and hide from the world. Yeah, they can't. Right. And so they're inundated with notifications and parents who and I'm guilty of this parents who don't have the attention for them. And maybe they don't feel heard. And maybe we're not encouraging them. Authentically. Yeah, I think sometimes, sometimes we find ourselves like, Oh, that's good. That's really nice picture. Good But it's not real. Yeah. Let me tell you how intentional she was. Ten days before she passed away, no, it was five days, because we got the word in the hospital that they couldn't do anything for her. It was a Monday. The doctors told us that, I'm sorry, we can't do anything for you. After they left the room, she said, okay, there's some things we got to do. I'm like, okay. She's like, I want to write letters to all the kids. And I'm like, whew, like, okay. And do you know, she was still writing them up and up into the morning before they turned the machines off. Oh my gosh, man. And so I'm the holder of the letters. Words of affirmation. Saying the things even after she's gone. Man, I bet that's powerful for those kids. Yeah. Yeah. And they know? Um, kind of. Okay. So they're starting to trickle in as things go by. Life events. Yes. Yeah, so like what types of letters was she writing? Wedding letters, graduation letters, yeah. Wedding letters, graduation letters. Wow. Man, how would you even think of that? That's incredible. Yeah. What a gift. Yeah, she was a gift. Yeah, she was a gift.

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